Now, marriage. I say my issues last year were stupid because of all the years to have an issue it should not have been last year! I don't know how much of my marriage issues I've confessed to you so bear with me if I repeat myself here...
6 months after we got married, 2004, I realized that my husband was a closet alcoholic. Never abusive physically or otherwise but absent for sure. He and I would argue about his drinking ruthlessly, until he started to avoid me when drinking, he would drive home drunk, and then pass out on the couch or bed. I had my first panic attacks 10 months after marriage. I wanted to leave him then, but every time I prayed about it I would feel as though God were prompting me to stay and honor my vows (for better or worse...)
In 2006 my husband served jail time with his first DUI. The fines associated with his driving record took us the next 9 years to pay off, 3 more years until our insurance can be resemble normal. I was pissed-because he knew better!
I stopped hanging out with anyone outside of my family- it was too difficult to explain to others why my husband was rarely with me. Hardly anyone knew because I was embarrassed, and those who I did confide in told me that it would be understandable if I got divorced. Despite his drinking, I still loved him, I knew he was a good man, and he loved me in return.
2007-2008 was calmer, less drunkenness partially due to us being foster parents and other due to his continuous Dr visits. In 2008 he had surgery where he was immobilized and bed ridden for 5 months.
And in 2010, the drinking worsened once again. My husband was institutionalized in patient behavioral clinic in April for one week, the week of our daughter's first birthday for his 2nd suicide attempt. Mind you I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with our son. In May 2011 my husband went missing for 2 days after a drinking binge and once he stumbled home at 2:00 am, he was bleeding from the neck where he had been stabbed from an attempted mugging downtown. He was covered in his muggers blood from fighting back (he broke the other guys nose and tossed him off the bridge before getting away from the accomplices). I called the police and an ambulance, filed his report. He was hospitalized for 2 days.
In November 2011, the night my grandma passed away, in my arms, I came home exhausted (5 months pregnant with our third child) to an extremely drunk husband and my other two children were thankfully asleep. That night, I began to pray over him differently than any other time. I sensed evil inside him like I cannot even begin to explain. I was pissed because I needed him that night more than ever, but instead of yelling, I followed him into the bedroom and prayed. While I was praying this voice came out of my husband in a language I had never heard before. I said "Demon, look at me" and I swear to you my husband's eyes rolled into the back of his head and the whites of his eyes were looking at me, the voice was guttural and throaty and demonic. I said " demon, in the name of Jesus Christ I command your name" "Ganesh. Ganesh" is what my husband kept saying. "My name is Ganesh." I sat there on the edge of the bed, nearing 1:00 am praying and talking with this demon Ganesh. As I prayed my husband kept trying to claw and bite me but a voice like that of a man came out of my throat saying "you cannot touch me!" My husband coward backwards saying "he is here." At that the demon started to mock me, asking where my prayer warriors were at. I called my aunt and cousin on speaker phone and asked them to pray. Then I called my pastors, now close to 2:00am and asked them to come over. While waiting I read the bible out loud, I remember reading through the story of the last supper and it was like I was transported by a vision for I was there witnessing the occurrences with of Judas, the demonic voice as my narrator...
My pastors arrived near 3am and I lost my composure. I broke down for my husband was acting completely normal upon their arrival. I looked at my pastor saying "no no I'm not making this up no..." And told him everything that happened. At that, the guttural voice returned as a gnarly laugh and Brandon's back was arching in an unnatural position. My pastor literally tackled him onto the bed....our associate pastor at the time asked me for water. I got it as our Lead Pastor was talking to Brandon. In between the demons voice and sometimes at the same time I would hear Brandon's voice saying "help me." Pastor told my husband to repent of his sins, whereupon my husband would spit on him and the demons voice would say "Jesus is a fool."
I can say alot about the crappy things my husband did, but despite it all those were not his words! He would NEVER say that because despite his alcoholism he always loved me, the kids, and God. That night, I swear I watched an exorcism in my bedroom with my husband as the victim. That was the last night my husband has ever been drunk. My pastors left around 4:30 am.
I'd love to say our marriage got better, It did slightly, but I literally had no trust, and even feared my husband. Sleeping next to him was difficult for quite sometime...
In 2012 my husband had his surgeries that lead to the amputation of his right leg, so taking care of him consumed me for 8 months of my exhausted life. Mind you, My oldest was 3, my son 2 and our baby was only 6 months. My parents carried me through this very dark and lonely time.
2013 Was the year my husband was healing. He was sober. He was active in the church as the youth pastor. He was a good father. But he and I barely talked. I felt as though I was standing on a latched trap door...I kept waiting to fall through. My guard at this point was so high, the walls around my heart were impenetrable. I would get home from work, he would leave. Sometimes not coming to bed until I was getting up to get ready for work. Granted he was in his study praying, or studying, or doing visitations around town , but he was not with me . I was very bitter in heart, after years of taking care of him I thought it was damn well time he return the favor!
I started seeking an emotional affair. I wanted someone, a man, whom I could talk to. But I never could let myself carry on with it. There were some candidates who interested me more than others, but guilt flooded my heart and I knew it was wrong, so I never let anything get passed the emotional affairs consuming my heart. Eventually I started pouring myself into work and kids to distract myself from the temptations of my heart. Most of my poems in my private blog were used as the release for my conflicting emotions. At one point, I had to unfriend many of the male "friends" on social media to keep me from pursuing them in ways that I knew I shouldn't.
In March, some close friends of my husband moved in with us due to extreme financial concerns in their lives- both were laid off from work and they were expecting a baby. My friend was already living with us, so there were now 9 people living under my roof. I found myself distracted in taking care of everyone else, that I was too busy to worry about who would take care of me.
This chaos actually started to mend my relationship with my husband. I as I was forced to rely on him for things outside of my control. I was forced to talk to him about the occurrences of our home.
I remember one night in May of 2014, I came home after a late night grocery shopping trip. He had asked everyone to leave for the night, got a sitter for the kids, and he had candles lit and spread throughout the whole house. When I walked in, I was flabbergasted. He grabbed me and said. " I am so sorry for all that I have put you through and if it's all right with you, I want to use the rest of my life to make it up to you." At that moment, the song "say something I'm giving up on you" started to play on the radio. I collapse his arms, sobbing out all of my pent up emotion. I cried violently for the duration of the song. I felt the brick wall of protection that I had built up over the years, melt away. He sat there, holding me on the tile floor just inside the door's threshold, saying nothing.
We have been working on us since that moment. Making it a point to talk to one another, kinda couple counseling ourselves. In August 2014, we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary in Mexico. It was like a second honeymoon. We left behind the years of bondage and decided to start anew. Committed to one another.
Now, as we approach the 11th year of our marriage, I feel like a newlywed. We are smitten, and God has joined us together deeply. We are madly in love. I once again have the best friend that my heart always desired. I look around at the marriage of our friends, some falling apart, some stuck in a rut, and then I look at the past that we have had to overcome and I feel blessed and thankful. In the end, God has used our testimony for his glory and I truly believe that the best is yet to come...
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