Confessions

Looking at my life

I see that I am blessed. 

Every time I turn the corner

To the street I live on

I say a prayer of thanks

Because I truly can't believe 

I get to live 

In the house I call home. 

It's surreal. 

It's more than I ever dreamed. 

When I walk in the front door

I am greeted by a handsome smile

And three of the biggest little hugs. 

I breathe in my family

And I know that I am blessed. 

It seems strange that my husband 

Would choose me

To love. 

It seems uncanny that my kids

Could make me so perfectly

Proud. 

When I get to work

A cloak of dread spreads over me

Like a dark cloud. 

I'm praised at work as being

Creative, professional, outstanding

I could be better, I admit to myself

Except I don't care as much as I used to

And so I settle for the mediocre 

I step onto the church grounds

I dread going but light up when I arrive

I know these kids are my calling

Yet they drain me of my energy

And I fight the battles of guilt

As I fear I put ministry before family

I feel as a stranger in my own skin

Trying to live on the pedestal 

I have created for myself

Fearing the disappointment of so many

Should I teeter and fall

In the end

My only source of unhappiness is myself

For everything in my life 

Should scream joy and satisfaction 

And yet I'm dull inside

Blessed, grateful, but unfulfilled

What more do I want? 

The truth is

If I could do it all over again

I would consider the path of selfishness

One where someone takes care of me

As opposed to the life I live

Where it is I who take care of everyone else. 

If there is a balance

I do not know it

I constantly go back to the fork

In the road of my life's path

The moment where I chose the 

Responsible decision

The safe choice

As opposed to the road

Of my own desires...

I look from a distance

And I see what life could have been

But when I compare it to

What is

I know that I would miss all that I have

And all that I am

In the end I am me

And those thoughts are of my flesh

And not my spirit

So I plunge on

Walking the road to my destiny

Leading me to eternity

Heaven bound

With no regrets 

Even if I do dream 

About the regrets I could have enjoyed

At some point along the way