The past month I have been haunted by hopelessness. Its been a season of wandering blank and lost through the mundane routine of life. Praying half heartedly for change, but not knowing where needed change specifically in my life.
A couple of weeks ago I logged off Facebook, then logged back on to delete my account, realizing that Facebook had become a tireless window into the false reality that is bombarding my life. False news permeating off the spam feeds of "friends" and missing the link to the actual friends I so desperately desire to connect with. This I believe was the first spark that initiated my desperate plea to the Lord-WHO AM I?
If you asked me this question I could list a handful of jobs that I DO. I AM a Teacher. I AM a mother. I AM a wife. I AM a girl scout leader. I AM a Children's pastor. I AM a Foster Parent. I AM a Christian.
Thanksgiving week, I went to church for our bi-annual Communion/Foot Washing Ceremony, and being completely transparent I went solely out of tradition and obligation. I went because I SHOULD go. But my faith had been lacking for months. I loved God, of that I had no doubt. But I didn't get church anymore. Reading the word was not an active part of my life because I know the word. I prayed even less.
My friend Tonise paired up with me for the foot washing, something I confess I have always felt uncomfortable with and dread everytime I attend this precious ceremony. Without going into a long winded blog I can tell you I left with a prayer in my heart. WHO AM I LORD? What is your purpose for me? What is my identity? I also left knowing two things. 1.) I AM Martha-not Mary. I would rather DO for the Lord than sit at his feet and listen to him speak. 2.) My identity is in the LORD...
Fast Forward to this past Tuesday. In my prayers for God to answer the question-who am I, God challenged me to write 34 things that are unique to who I am-one for each year that I am old. My answers were weak, selfish and vain and included my favorite color (Teal) and my favorite animal (Manatee.) and I couldn't even finish the list stopping at #26.
But within this list I started reflecting my negative images of myself and began to realize that despite my weakness God is strong. For instance #6 read: I am self conscious. Yet God revealed to me my ability to lead others despite this weakness. Pointing out that I am my biggest Judgmental critic. #8 stated: I love to write but I am horrible at grammar and spelling. God pointed out that I process what he is trying to tell me in words either by speaking these words aloud to others (teaching) or in written expression (blogging.) So from this I decided to write my prayers.
Having recently watched the movie WAR ROOM (a movie I borrowed months ago) I decided to clean out the closet space underneath the stairs throwing the clutter in the trash and/or relocating the few savable items. In the dark closet I decided to write my prayers on binder paper and post them with scotch tape on the wall as a visual reminder of how God answers the requests of my prayers.
Request #1 had much to do with the hopeless way I began to view the world. Being a teacher and foster parent I see a lot of crap that kids have to deal with. Being in church ministry I get easily frustrated with other believers lack of DOING in their community. And I was quickly becoming overwhelmed with gloom-was anything that I do worth doing? Would anything that I do change anything with the overwhelming amount of sin in this world? What was the point? The stress of my job was causing me to grumble. and I was lost. I have always been the one to see the hope, the light, in even the darkest of situations and yet that light felt snuffed out and I was quickly drowning in the darkness!
I can tell you THE VERY NEXT DAY God provided the ray of sunshine, the glimpse of hope I had been seeking in 6 girls. These 6 girls have been failing my class all year. They seemed uninterested in anything that I teach ( I teach math so that is not entirely uncommon...) and yet these 6 girls decided to stay after school for my open tutoring hour. And we had THE BEST discussion about their homework. They left feeling confident. I left feeling like I'd made an impact. The following day, my class seemed more engaged and less asleep. The 6 7th grade girls leading the discussion with the confidence from the prior day still lingering in their voice.
I came home on fire. Ready to tell my husband all about what God was doing. But the opposite happened. The gloom returned when he did not return the desire for my attentions. My inner voice started to condemn him for all the things he "didn't do." I went to bed angry with him. When he finally came to bed at midnight, and I still tossed and turned restlessly, I mumbled a snarky remark that result into an all out war with my spouse for the next 3 hours.
Now, to keep the privacy of my marriage sacred, I won't go into detail about our argument as I do not believe in airing my dirty laundry to the public but I will admit I am not sorry for the things that I said because out of this fight I found my inner turmoil-and no, I cannot blame my husband for this, he just happened to be the unsuspecting target. I cried, no I mourned the loss of time with my kids while I work and poured out my envy of every stay at home mother to my husband...he listened patiently and held me in my discontent.
I woke this morning with energy despite my severe lack of sleep from the night before, my eyes still puffy from the wells of tears. I had a great day today. My classes were high energy. I came home and had bible study with my children-a family first outside of church. And read christmas stories to my kids until 8:45 (their bedtime is 7:30.) as I heard God tell me to cherish my children for the hours that I have them instead of squalling away on a phone in a corner. TO erase my distractions and realize the opportunity he places before me to SIT AT HIS FEET in his presence ALL THE TIME, in EVERY MOMENT. I tucked my children into bed and lay at the foot of their bed (yes all three sleep together by choice because they are close like that) praying over them and my household. And read through my devotions.
And so I type. December 1st. A month long challenge to myself. To use the next 26 days of December to seek out my identity in the Lord.
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