Heavy heart

One year has gone by since I last saw my Desiree. Not being able to stand it any longer, I built up the courage to drive by her house, knowing that I was in little danger now that her father is back in jail. (He is a mean one.) when I pulled up, I almost chickened out. But as I stepped out of my car Destiny saw me from down the street. She was begging the ice cream truck man for a treat. So, with the change in my cup holder, I bought her the desired tweety bird icee. And received long over due hugs of love and gratitude. She missed me, and "where have you been" where the first things out of her mouth. I ignored the statement as the answer is far too complicated to endure with an almost 7 year old. I asked her if her mother was home so I could chat with her, of course she was not. I must admit, my heart was releaved of anxiety as I was not looking forward to a confrontation but was sad to see not much had changed as mom was at "a friend's house." 

I asked if Desiree was home and stayed outside of the house only to discover that Desiree had known I was there, and was not happy to see me. "what are you doing here Shelley?" I was caught off guard. I had expected a hug, if not that, a smile. I got neither. I asked her how she was doing. "We're fine." Was her response. I asked how school was going "I hate it." So sad, she was so bright and full of promise. "I pray for you almost every night." "I know, you said so on facebook." So there it is, she has seen my messages and has chosen to ignore them...me. Then she caught me off guard "do you know where Mariah is?!" Yes. I confirmed. "Is she with you? Is she in the car?" She almost sneered. "No. She is not with me, in fact I haven't seen her in almost 3 months." I left out the facts that she has dyed her hair red, pierced her lower lip, and openly claimed a homosexual lifestyle. I politely asked if her mom was home, she confirmed they were home alone, well, no, not alone. A make 'cousin' was home alone with them. A man who instantly sent my momma suspicions into high alert when I shook his hand and introduced myself. I left my phone number with Desiree in case their mom wanted to call me, actually I left it for Desi in case she ever decided to call me, and walked away heavy in heart. She wants nothing to do with me. I've lost both my girls. I have to wash my hands, I have to walk away. It kills me that my innocent Desiree, so full of joy and life a year ago, is now so bitter, sad and angry with the weight of the world on her shoulders. And Mariah, also bitter and angry, is crying out for love and attention in such a way that she has chosen a lifestyle of sin. 

My girls, if you ever read this. I love you both. I always will. No matter what life you live. I grieve this life that you've been dealt. But now, it has become obvious, that our lives have seperated. It is with a heavy heart that I wish you well, and I wish you good bye. I will contact you no longer, but I will pray for you forevermore. And if you, down the road, wish me back in your lives, I will be here for you with open arms. 

I love you as the mom that I got to be to you for that year I was blessed to have you.