Drained

Hello all I have grave news. Superwoman has died. Yes, it's true. In fact, the real truth is she never existed. I use to think I could do everything, but as it turns out, I do indeed have a brink of exhaustion and let me just inform you, that boundary was crossed weeks ago.

Now that the adrenaline has passed from surviving the tunnel of surgeries, life's little demands have caught up to me and I fear I cannot keep up. Personal time is a thing of the past now that four lives depend on me for just about EVERYTHING not to mention the innocent and not so innocent request from others including extending family, friends, church members, employers, co-workers, students, and acquaintances. As it would turn out, asking me, to ask you for help is just one more added burden that I have tossed to the wind b/c by the time I get around to asking for help I have either already done the chore OR I have given up caring.

So, I am drained. Exhausted. Spent. Things that I use to be meticulous over lay away unattended. Things I took for granted, are missed terribly. Things I use to volunteer for willingly are now relentless obligations.

I don't mean to complain, just vent. I am holding a sleeping baby in my arms, hiding in the dark of the nursery typing on my cell phone in the dark because if I put her down and step into the light I will be pounced on by the needs of the rest of the family and this is the ONLY break I get.

My house is disheveled, boxes from the move stare at me (so I Hid them in the garage to avoid looking at them.) My son peed on my bed (3nights ago) and I am sleeping on top of a blanket because I haven't had the time (or energy) to wash the bedding. Grading is stacking up b/c I haven't been able to stay late at work to get caught up and getting it done at home is a laugh. Dishes are ignored. I have eaten so much fast food I literally get sick thinking about it, because I just don't want to cook. I dabble with the idea that I might be suffering from some depression but I know that lack of sleep is probably more realistic.

I will and do have empathy for any mother that feels alone and overwhelmed. I truly think God put us helpmates in an unfair advantage shouldering more than our fair share. I apologize to anyone and everyone I have ever judged, because my own judgements have pressed down on me through haunting thoughts. I am embarrassed to have anyone over and yet humbled enough to accept all the help I can get.

So, for anyone who has ever lifted me up on some insane pedestal, here it is...honest truth laid out. No one is superlative, no one can do it on their own. Mom, I know your reading this. Don't worry, I'm ok. Just a good low in my life, a nice little valley that God is using to teach me to lean on HIS strength when I am weak. A good reminder that he carries us through. A good lesson in being slow to judge. And a time to slow down, recognize the important things in life, re-prioritize. Pick myself up, dust myself off. Move on to the next stage.

For all those who have noticed that my smile may not be as big, my temper might be a little short. My eyes look tired OR as many have commented that I am "just not acting like (me)" you are right. But all is well, in my soul and the rest will fall into place.

Now, time to put the sleeping baby back in her crib and face the world. (Literally and metaphorically)