For just a moment....

Just after the birth of Tabitha, I had my tubes tied. No more kids for me. Why? Well, I have been pregnant for what seems like forever. In 2007, I was pregnant with my first child, who I miscarried 3 months later. In 2008 I got pregnant with Miss Hannah who was born in spring of 2009. In Winter of 2009, I was pregnant with my second child, Zechariah, who was born in Summer of 2010. Then, in Summer of 2011 I became pregnant with Miss Tabitha, now born in Spring of 2012. Let's look at this from another angle, I have been pregnant for a greater portion of the past 6 years. That is a LONG TIME. Both Zechariah and Tabitha were pleasant surprises, and as much as I love my children, I really do love all of them very much, I simply do not want to be pregnant again. I am miserable pregnant, despite the way it may appear. I hate the heartburn, the clothes not fitting, the mood swings, the aches and pains, honestly, it is not the labor that I hate. Don't get me wrong, it is certainly not comfortable but that does not last long. All my kids were out in a relatively quick time frame once things got going, but the 9 months seem like an eternity. So I decided to tie up because I do not want to be pregnant EVER again. Seems selfish huh? The funny thing is, I actually think I want more kids. Just the other day I was sitting outside watching Hannah and Zech play away stark naked in the baking sun swimming in the buckets they had filled with water from the hose, while I was nursing Tabitha. And I had a moment of realization-this is the last little Lake in our family. IT hit me rather hard as I starred into her sleeping face. And I realized it wasn't a moment of regret for tying the ladies up, but a moment none the less. I Think we will end up adopting in the future-skip the whole infant stage maybe jump straight to the toddles, but it is not the same as staring into a face that holds family resemblance and blood lines. I have never regretted being a foster parent, and still stay in contact with our "daughters." But I am thinking what a difference it would be if we did not have to give them back... I remember a friend, in all of her ignorance, tell me that it was not the same as having your own. she was right in some ways, but wrong in so many other ways. At the moment she said that, those foster daughters were MY daughters, in every way shape and form, despite legalities of course. But in my heart, they might as well have been my own, and even now, 3 years after their reunification, when they call me, I drop everything for them, I plan to always be a part of their lives in my new role as distant family. But adoption I think would be the same, different than my own children in the sense of blood lines, but the same in every other fashion. I love being a mom, honestly I do. I feel like it fulfills my purpose as a woman, as a human being. I pity my friends who do not want kids. I get it, because before I had kids of my own I enjoyed doing what I wanted when I wanted, spending my money without worry or concern however I wanted to-And it was fun! But now, being mommy to three precious gifts from God, I can think of no better role in the whole world. And therefore I do not know if I am done mothering-well obviously I am not done, all my kids are still very young, I have a good 20+ years before it will ever be just Brandon and I by ourselves again, but what I mean is, I don't know that we have committed to our family being done growing...only time will tell I guess. IN the meantime, I will try not to bother myself with such thoughts and simply relish the moments I have while my kiddos are so young.