Envious

I saw the picture of you and her
hiking on the mountain,
and I was consumed with Jealousy.
Not jealous of her
nor jealous of you,
jealous of your hike.
For in seeing this image,
I realized that hiking
is something
he and I can never do again.

In fact,
the more that he and I live
with this disability
the more consuming it becomes.
The more we realize our limitations
as far as the two of us
are concerned.
It becomes overwhelming
and I find myself
envious.

Take a leisurely stroll,
a dip in a public pool without strangers staring,
a hike to our favorite waterfall,
or a bike ride around the neighborhood.
All come at a cost that most take for granted,
nothing can be done without
a sacrifice of comfort on his behalf,
in and of itself becomes a grand gesture
of his undying love
for me.

But I can't help but feel mournful
each time I see him struggling to stand,
stumbling as he hops along
or strengthening his arm muscles
just to get around.
Nothing is effortless anymore.
Nothing can be done on a whim
the spontaneity that we once enjoyed
has now become limited.

This is our life,
one I will not abandoned,
nor do I fantasize in leaving,
if anything,
this tragedy has brought us closer,
but this is our life none the less.
There are now things I will be forced to enjoy
without my best friend at my side.
There are times, when he will be courteous enough
to force me to leave his side.

Each day brings new troubles,
new lessons,
new hope
and new sorrow.
Each day brings acceptance
of this fate
that we are experiencing
together.

He shows me his love with his sacrifice,
he shows me his love by pushing himself to the limits.
I show him my love with my sacrifice,
I show him my love, by creating boundaries,
that we can only experience together,
therefore missing out
on the things that I envy
as I see you accomplish them
from afar.