Therefore I am going to admit something that is rather shameful. When I found out I was pregnant with Zecahry I cried. I did not hold the instant excitement that I had held with my former. Not because I was disappointed at having another child, nor even in the unplanned expectancy-I wanted more kids...eventually. I was not worried about finances or some severe sense of looming doom. I cried for Hannah because I feared how her life would change now that another would be soon entering it. My attention would now be shared rather than focused in on all of her many first. I new I would tire easily during the pregnancy, therefore limiting my play. I feared and cried for all the things she would miss out on in being an only child. Things that she should rightfully have!
Needless to say I had to quickly bounce out of this depressed mood, after all another child of mine was on the way and he too deserved as much love! I found myself pushing myself through the pregnancy as I wanted to give her everything she should have before the time to share her mommy would come. Once Zechary arrived, I began to make exasperated efforts of equal opportunities, still babying my baby as well as my baby girl.
As time has worn on with two infants in my home, I feel as though I have maintained a healthy balance of mommy time between the two. Each of my beloved children has special moments with me that I would never trade. I try to recognize their indivdualness and distinct differences in personality. But I still try to make everything as fair as possible. Recently however I noticed a dramatic shift in my attention. Where I once worried that my first would miss out on opportunities, I soon began to make efforts ensuring that Zechary had all of the same attentions that Hannah once had. I did not want his firsts overlooked either!
About a month ago, a friend of mine called me for advice. Their son is the same age as Zechary and they were thinking about having another baby right away and wanted to know how I was holding up. I was honest-I am tired and I am very busy...but through the conversation I began to see my predicament differently:
When I once worried about what Hannah would miss out on, I did not comprehend what Hannah might gain. She is, in fact, in love with her brother, and my conversation with said friend truly revealed the positives in such a close bond between the two. Hannah gets so excited at every opportunity to hold, hug, kiss and help her brother. She alone can make him laugh without so much as a tickle. He follows her (now that he is crawling) everywhere. She is pretty good at sharing for a two year old because, let's face it-she has no choice. They do, after all, share their room among everything else.
I still get frustrated at times as I constantly expect her to be older than she is, because well, she is the oldest. Then I look back on pictures from mere months ago, only to see how much of my baby she still is-yet my days of two infants in home are quickly coming to an end as Hannah is nearing two!
Balancing the two is constant, but the love is equally distributed. I realize that in the beginning this was not my plan, but now looking back I would plan it no other way!
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9
1 comment:
WOW! That picture of them is darling!!
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