I just got out from a memorial service of someone, I hate to admit, I did not admire. I am not one to talk ill about the deceased, but when I heard she had passed I was not shocked, or moved emotionally in the least. Am I ashamed to admit this? No, I was not close to her, and the things I knew about her were not what were discussed about at her memorial. I will say that I am glad I went to her service, albeit out of complete obligation. I will admit that she challenged me in her death.
She was a girl, 24 years of age. Wild, Crazy, outspoken, herself. She did what she wanted when she wanted and didn't care who or if she offended. At the same time, there is no denying she was who she was. You know what she thought. She cut no corners in life. And, so many came to glorify how she, in all her honesty, changed their life and gave them a different perspective of life. They all admitted that she was the most honest Christian they knew. This part kicked me; because the part that I knew, was, in the least, to say not Christian. So I sat, listened and contemplated.
IS this what Christ meant when he said to the Pharisees "I tell you the truth, even the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you." (Mat. 21:31b)Now, let me clear my intention, I am not saying she was either of the listed above, but I am saying, that by my standards of Christianity, she did not fit the mold. Yet she is credited with bringing many to the church and to Christ himself. Can I look at my life and say that I do the same thing? OR am I too caught up in making myself look "perfect" that people are intimidated to approach me or challenge me-both have been said. I do not claim perfection, and when I get downright to it, I am anything but. I see myself in all my faults and have gotten to the point where I don't like myself and have become bitter at so many who have hurt me recently.
I know I need to let these grudges go. I know that I need to offer forgiveness and mean it-not just say it and stuff it inside, which I tend to do. Although I did not like her ‘outwardness’, she had no regrets. I cannot say the same. I really need to work through some of these issues so I can become the person I used to be. The carefree, head tilted back while laughing out loud sort of person. I was extroverted, I am now introverted. I am timid, insecure and I second guess EVERYTHING about myself, even though on the outward I appear to have it all put together. I am good at that, this is not a good thing. This becomes superficial.
SO Thanks A.W. Thank you for challenging me in my walk and persona. I am sorry for the thoughts that I had about you, I am sorry I did not get you. Know I never had ill wishes for you. Our personalities just clashed. I'm proud of you for what you did for others and look up to you in that regard. I will be with you in heaven one day. Until then, enjoy! P.S. I know you would have been amazed and touched at what others remembered you as.
No comments:
Post a Comment